Preach loud truth
420 blaze it Tollers
Jam session
Ceiling Lolkien
Shoot the Tolkpedo
Poke the Heretic
Chaika? Yes Chaika

About Me

I, Noel Q. von Schneiffel, am a prophet of Tolkien. I have dedicated my life to this great and worthy cause. I believe that it is my sacred mission to study Tolkien's writings, worship him and convert everybody else. I also believe it is my task to cleanse the world of heretics. There are countless heretics everywhere! I'm talking of people who ridicule Tolkien, so-called "fantasy authors" who write bad parodies and rip-offs, evil parents who forbid their kids to read his books, or filmmakers like Peter Jackson who try to "adapt" Tolkien's works, but create nothing but disgusting blasphemies. Then, there are those people who sneak into my house at night and sprinkle mayonnaise on my Tolkien books. As you can imagine, I am a very busy man.

Verily! I have spread Tolkien's truths all the time since my childhood. I have lived on the seabed for years, training with an army of man-sized jellyfish to convert the world to Tolkien by force. I have built a temple in the wastelands of Russia, on the island of Novaja Zemlja beyond the polar circle, and lived there with millions of followers. I have made it rain in the desert, snow on the Equator, and I made the sun shine in New Delhi by fanning the smog away with a Tolkien manuscript. I have scaled Mount Everest on a bicycle, backwards, which impressed five thousand Yetis so that they became Tolkien fans. Or at least I think I did most of this. I had minor drug problems for a while, which caused some hallucinations alongside the true visions.

Floating in the desert
Me in 1892, in the desert near Bloemfontein, South Africa. I was bringing presents for the new-born Tolkien. Notice my cool sunglasses. No, I have no idea how I ended up in 1892, it was probably a time rift, and I am also not quite sure why I appear to be floating.

I have to quickly mention two important people who played an important role in my life.

Everything I am, I am thanks to my teacher and mentor, Morambar Udunvagor, the greatest of Tolkien scholars, a holy saint and (so says the rumour) the "illegitimate" child of Tolkien himself. Of course nothing Tolkien did was illegitimate; it was a necessary sacrifice which Higher Powers demanded from him so that Morambar could be born. Morambar has the strength of ten men, the wisdom of a hundred, and he can kill with a glance or, alternatively, by waggling his ears. For a while, I have worked as a lecturer at the university he founded, the Fredonian Academy of Tolkien Studies (FATS). Morambar has taught me everything I know, though he has been curiously absent lately. I wonder what he's up to.

Everything I am, I am in spite of the constant sabotaging and harrassment by my worst friend Bqggz the Orc. This nasty green creature was my childhood playmate, but then he became a raving communist and liar who spreads terrible slander and indecent jokes about Tolkien. He wears a stupid beer barrel as armour; that alone gives away a lot about his character. Today, when he's not busy with his communist revolutions, he spends most of his time stalking me online. He also sneaks into my house at night and sprinkles mayonnaise on my Tolkien books.

A wild Bqggz appears
My worst friend Bqggz the Orc, the communist anti-Tolkien heretic. He follows me everywhere to hinder my crusade. But in the end, it will not avail him, and everyone shall see the light of Tolkien.

After lots of travelling, teaching and fighting, I have finally settled down in a hermit cave in the desert, as befitting for a prophet. Well, it is not really a hermit cave. I am surrounded by my students, who spend their days training, reading, praying and carving every sand grain in the desert into miniature "J", "R" and "T" shapes. Wear shoes with thick soles when you visit me, these grains are quite pointy and sharp. Also, there are lots of DVD shards lying around. We routinely destroy DVDs of Peter Jackson's blasphemous films in the course of our holy rituals.

Me beating up King Kong
I still occasionally travel to punish heretics who desecrate Tolkien. On this photo, I (upper left corner) am beating up King Kong because he cooperated in a film with Peter Jackson, the sloppy film-maker whose adaptation of LotR is not true to the book.

FAQ about my name


There has been some confusion, occasionally, about different spellings I used for my name. Therefore, I put together a little FAQ.

  • What is your correct first name? Noel or Noeel? I have seen the latter in old texts.
  • My father named me Noeel, a perfectly normal name, because he wanted to make clear that I am not an eel. He did not consider, though, that Noel is the more common version. My name was so frequently misspelled that I decided to ditch the second "e". I gave ten bucks and a bottle of vodka to a Russian scribe on the polar island of Novaja Zemlja, and he changed my passport. So whether my name is Noel or Noeel really just depends on whether you accept the authority of a drunk Russian scribe on Novaja Zemlja. I do.

  • What does the "Q." in your name stand for?
  • The "Q." stands for "Quickley", my birth name.

  • If you were born as Quickley, where does the von Schneiffel come from?
  • In the 1980s, when I was briefly a very important religious leader, I felt the need for a more grandiose name. So I asked an ageing, heirless aristocrat to adopt me, and now Eberhard Freiherr von Schneiffel zu Kuhdung is legally my father. I kept the "Quickley" as a middle name for sentimental reasons, though I usually abbreviate it. So "Noel Q. von Schneiffel" is what you write on the bank order when you donate your worldly belongings to me. Which, by the way, I highly recommend.

  • Are you the King of Israel?
  • For some reason, people assume this a lot. Every year around Christmas, when I walk the streets, I hear people cheering and singing all around me:

    "Noel, Noel, Noel, Noel
    Born is the King of Israel."

    As I am a modest man, who does not like to adorn himself with borrowed plumes, I must publicly state that I'm not. It is true that I travelled back in time to 1779 B.C. once, and that I founded the city of Johnreuelsalem - the name was subsequently mangled to Jerusalem. But though I kind of ran the place for a while, I was never officially crowned king.

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Contact

Visit me on Facebook:
facebook.com/tolkientruth

Mail: noel@tolkientruth.info

Or meet me in person. I hold daily sermons in front of my prophet cave in the desert, whenever the voices tell me to. A small donation is welcome.

Copyright © 2010-2015 J.R.R. Tolkien.

All my work is based on visions and inspirations by Tolkien, and all my rights and worldly possessions are in his hands. Stealing my content might result in his ghost haunting you.