From 2001-2003, Peter Jackson published his so-called "Lord of the Rings" films, and from 2011-2013, at least fifty "Hobbit" films followed.

I use the word "so-called" because these travesties have really nothing to do with Tolkien's books. The story has been butchered to make the film "more accessible". Many of the Truths which Tolkien decided to share with us were willfully changed or entirely cut. New, ridiculous made-up scenes have been inserted. Pointless battle scenes of excessive violence replaced Tolkien's masterful storytelling. Characters were changed, inserted, deleted or horrendously altered at will. Bad jokes were made, and nobody likes bad jokes. Except my worst friend Bqggz. His humour is truly insufferable. For example, once he really... sorry, I digress.

Where was I? Oh yes, the films. The films have had a horrific impact on humanity, as many people who watched them now believe they understand Tolkien and do not need to read the books. So the spreading of Tolkien's wisdom is hindered, and the average human intelligence is lowered. That leads to terrible consequences like war, famine, asteroid impacts, and Twilight sequels.

I cannot say much about the disgusting content of the films, because I only watched them once. This was a sad necessity. I had to debate the scriptwriter, Philippa Boyens, on a talk show, and I wanted to prepare myself. Sadly, the show was filmed, but never aired, because I got carried away a bit. I used so many swearwords that their beep-machine thingie broke down. Also, my shouting caused spittle to come from my mouth, which landed on the camera lenses and made the image blur.

I can say proudly, however, that my viewing of the films did not earn Peter Jackson anything, because I robbed the money for my ticket back from the cinema cashier afterwards. So it was not a sin. Also, I broke into the cinema the next night and sprayed the screen with hydrochloric acid, to burn away the residues of evil.

Pleas note that I am not fundamentally against a film adaptation of Lord of the Rings! This is a lie spread by my enemies. If it was faithfully done, such a film could verily be a way to bring Tolkien's wisdom to new layers of the population. However, in order to be faithful, nothing should be omitted or changed in such a film.

So my preferred LotR adaptation would consist of a voice reading the entire book to the audience. Not more, not less. Possibly, one can use the existing (and very recommendable) unabridged audio book version of Rob Inglis as a base. [Buy it from Amazon here!] To give the audience visual pleasure, a rotating batch of still pictures of Tolkien can be shown. This film, like Mr. Inglis' work, would be 52 hours long, but it would be worth every single one of them.

For this film, the seats would have to be removed from the cinema. The audience would kneel to show respect. This would also prevent people from falling asleep. Also, to prove that I am not a fanatic zealot, I would allow for a toilet break. But just one.