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About Tolkien

John Ronald Reuel Tolkien's life (1892-1973) was the most important period in the history of mankind.

Tolkien was born on Januard 3rd, 1892 in Bloemfontein, South Africa. The name of the town is Afrikaans and means "flower fountain" (German "Blumenfontäne", Latin "explosio florae") and reminds us of this blessed event. For when Tolkien was born, flowers sprung from the dry desert soil and danced merrily in the air.

At the tender age of six months, Tolkien defeated the first heretic who had lied to him about Old Norse grammar. The heretic was an exceptionally tall and fat man. As a punishment, Tolkien pulled his nose to a great length. So Tolkien invented the elephant.

Riding the unicycle
Among his many abilities, J.R.R. Tolkien was a great acrobat. He could ride a unicycle perfectly at the age of ten months.

When he was three, Tolkien moved to England because he wanted to study Anglo-Saxon, and nobody amidst those rustic Boers was fluent in it. His father, Arthur Reuel Tolkien, stayed behind, whilst his mother, Mabel Tolkien, accompanied him. However, they both died early, leaving Tolkien orphaned at the age of 12. Most sources quote various illnesses and natural causes as reasons for their deaths, but this is only a cover-up. Instead, they were both murdered by Tolkien's many enemies. Those criminals wanted to condemn him to a life of misery and poverty, so that he would never be able to publish any books.

However, their plans were foiled, as Tolkien was taken in by Father Francis Morgan, a kind priest who oversaw his further education. Many miracles happened in this early part of Tolkien's life. For example, on April 20, 1910, Comet Halley was visible. Undoubtedly, it had been sent by the Higher Powers to lighten the dark English nights, so that Tolkien could write more easily. [1] Tolkien thanked the Comet in 1914, when he wrote the poem "The Voyage of Earendel the Evening Star" in its honour.

By 1914, Tolkien's enemies had realized they needed bigger schemes to stop him. So they started World War I, for the single reason to get him killed. This is seen by many historians as the most shameful crime ever. But Higher Powers protected Tolkien, and he won the war.

Tolkien married Edith Mary Bratt in 1916. Of course, she had known all her life that she was going to marry Tolkien. It was her destiny. To remind her of her glorious duty, her parents had given her the middle name "Mar(r)y". The couple had four children: John (*1917), Michael (*1920), Christopher (*1924) and Priscilla (*1929). They are all counted among the Greater Saints. [2]

Baguette attack
Just one of Tolkien's many amazing skills - he could eat a whole baguette with one bite. Sideways.

From his earliest childhood, booksellers and archivists around the world recognized Tolkien's knowledge and wisdom, and they brought him old books and manuscripts in forgotten languages to interpret. To reach Tolkien, they had to cross the river Ox. Often they slipped and fell into the water, and invaluable manuscripts were ruined. So Tolkien asked the officials to build a ford, and when it was completed, he built a house next to it for his family. Many scholars were drawn to this place and stayed. So Tolkien founded the university town of Oxford.

In the 1930s, amidst all the writings brought to him, Tolkien discovered the work known as Findegil's copy of the Red Book, the account of the Third Age, written (in its original) by Bilbo and Frodo Baggins. He translated those books to modern English and published them as "The Hobbit" and "Lord of the Rings". Lesser beings usually claim that Tolkien invented those stories; this is not true. He said so himself in his essay "On Translation" (LotR, Appendix F). As I already stated, Tolkien's books are Literal Truth. Everything happened just this way in 6,387 B.C.! Tolkien just translated and dramatized these old sources, so brilliantly and masterfully that nobody else could have done it.

Another interesting fact is that Tolkien was exceptionally tall. He measured two meters and fifteen centimeters. He won the World Basketball Championship in 1948 against a team of five thousand heretics.

In 1973 Tolkien died. The whole world mourned. However, his spirit keeps appearing to some people in dreams and visions and tells them important Truths. Among those people are his son Christopher and myself.

Tolkien and his wife Edith are buried on the historical site where already the First Age heroes Beren and Lúthien were put to rest. They all share a single grave. I know it, I have seen the gravestone. The following four names are inscribed in it: EDITH MARY TOLKIEN; LUTHIEN; JOHN RONALD REUEL TOLKIEN; BEREN.

The saddest place in the world
The grave is rather small, and I always wondered how four people fit in there. Perhaps it is one of those modern multi-storey graves.

Footnotes


[1]: Tolkien, being a saint, had a halo that usually helped him to see at night. However, in his youth, he had to hide it under a woolly hat because halos were illegal in England until 1912. This had, I believe, little to do with Tolkien; it was just a general Anglican plot against Catholicism.

[2]: Rumours have surfaced that there was a fifth child, a certain "Morambar", but I am not allowed to speculate about this in public.

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