Canto 1

It was a dark and stormy night in southern France. My good friend Prof. Dr. Justin Bieber, the Canadian singer and part-time hair model, had been to a party. As usual, he had drunk too much and done a vast array of drugs. And the police had confiscated his private supersonic interstellar jetski, so he had no means of getting home to Canada. Lost and disoriented, he stumbled through the rain. Suddenly, he was assaulted by wild boars!

But those were the boars that guarded Christopher Tolkien's estate! And there was Christopher Tolkien himself, calling the boars back! A heavenly light of displeasure shone from his eyes! "Thou art a young man with bad habits", he thundered. "I will let thee stay the night on my estate, but only if thou canst answer one question. In 'History of Middle-earth', volume CXXVII, thou findst three pages on which I use the word 'bequeathed' three times in a single footnote. Yet, in only one of these occasions, the page number is not a prime number. What is this page number?"

"F...f...four hundred e...e...eighteen", stammered Prof. Dr. Justin Bieber, intimidated by Christopher Tolkien's mighty aura.

Suddenly, the old man nodded and smiled! "Thy answer is correct", he boomed. "Despite thy foul way of life, thou art well-trained in the Tolkien legendarium. I shall grant thee shelter for the night!"

And so Prof. Dr. Justin Bieber stayed the night and was much humbled by Christopher Tolkien's wisdom and gentleness, and he resolved to change his life and become a better person.

Canto 2

It was an even more dark and stormy night in southern France. My good friend Rev. Miley Cyrus was rolling towards Christopher Tolkien's abode on a wrecking ball whilst being stark raving naked. "I demand you teach me too", she shouted.

Christopher Tolkien thought long and hard. "No", he said, slammed the door shut and barred it from the inside.